Disappear

a dance in another space, relating to the memory of others, channeling the presence of someone else

disappearances

I am going now through a very intense period. a lot of questions about my present and about my future, and a very hard time dealing with them, processing them, feeling satisfied with the answers, if there were any answers at all. I’m still not completely on my feet, but I am starting to feel a bit better. I keep trying to find the strategies that help me overcome the paralyzation that depression brings. being paralyzed is one of the scariest things I can imagine, the nastiest thing, that which I hope I will always manage to escape no matter how low I go. fear is the mind killer. a lot of fears visited me lately.

I don’t want to dramatize things (ha ha), and I hope that this exhibition of my (very personal) emotional processes can be taken in as information on this process – information as a reference for everyone involved, including me. in particular, because during my personal life reflections there appear contact points with the concepts and creative process of the piece. my personal fears suddendly find ways to connect to the choreography, and it makes me reflect on how they could in turn feedback to the piece.

the thoughts, then: people and things that have disappeared / have been disappearing from my life (metaphorically, unlike people disappeared during the 1970’s in Argentina). this disappearances have hurt me very deeply. and I haven’t been able to manage it very well. and suddendly the thoughts: it was me I wanted to disappear. I wanted to substract myself from here, from this city, from this process, from this week, from this country, from this school.

writing now, trying to push myself to write, trying to push myself to work, to rehearse, to be, I become the field for a struggle between the disappearing tendency and… I don’t know what, the other tendency, the appearing tendency, the being. the moving on.

what’s with wanting to disappear? this week I’ve felt almost completely disembodied, not being able to be here, becoming paralyzed. I had a lot of difficulties doing things. I feel like rehearsals for the piece have been going well, but it was an effort to place myself there. on one hand, they are a great distraction, and I feel well about rehearsing, but on the other hand I feel a little bit absent sometimes. how coherent is all that? how related is it? am I actually disappearing? is it part of the concept? did I become depressed and that’s affecting my rehearsals, or are the rehearsals actually affecting my presence? am I disappearing?

for years now,  I think, I’ve had the fantasy to disappear one day. to go somewhere else, without telling, to not be here, to cut all connections and become an absence. it’s not about being somewhere else (though, for sure, there are also the desires to be someone else, and the fantasy that somewhere else is easier to be someone else), but it’s about what you could become here if you were to disappear. how would people remember you? would they miss you? what would they miss?

in any case, I don’t know where is this writing going to now. let’s stop here.

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